Dark Undertone
by xgutter-flowerx
Summary: Bella has a secret that gets her into trouble and will decide her future. Last chapter up now!
1. Chapter 1

I woke to the sound of rain. No surprise there, this is Forks after all, home of the most depressing weather known to mankind. Edward is gone again this weekend – hunting with Emmett. To take my mind off the fact that he was gone, or rather, make it more bearable, I've been thinking a lot about the time we had spent together last week. Just this past Thursday he had told me that he was glad I had come to Forks. I love seeing him smile, but personally, I would rather forget why I came to Forks in the first place. It's the only thing I've ever lied to him about.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks to everyone that reviewed! My last post was really more of an intro than a chapter that's why it was so short. I promise the other chapters will get longer as this whole thing gets all put together! **

I rearranged the books for what seemed like the thousandth time. I needed to do something with myself. Edward and his family would return from "vacationing" in Canada in two days and the four days they've been gone has been nothing but torture and endless boredom. I sighed and shoved the last book into place on the shelf. With Edward gone I had become slightly obsessive. Since he left I had arranged my collection alphabetically by author, then by title, as well as fattest to thinnest and by height. Today they were categorized by color. It was no small task but it kept my mind busy. I had to laugh at myself. Edward had once said that it felt like he always left half of himself with me when he went away. I felt the same but I wondered why he had chosen to take my sane half and leave me alone with my sheer insanity. After lunch I decided to give the books a rest. I hadn't realized earlier how tired I was.

Bad idea. I woke three hours later, my face wet with tears. The books could've handled another round. I was plagued with the same nightmare every time Edward left. I had hoped it would take a break during the day, but no such luck. In my dream he came to me with another girl, a vampire more beautiful than Rosalie and tried to explain to me what had happened. To him I was a brief fascination, a passing novelty. He needed something more. All my deepest fears and insecurities managed to surface in this one nightmare. Why did Edward love me? He was perfect, he was beautiful and talented; a god incarnate. He was more than enough and far too good for me. I was the one lacking.

I started shaking when I realized what I had just done. For months now, whenever I had this dream I had shoved it down and tried my best to forget about it. I had now undone all my effort by absentmindedly acknowledging what I most feared. A lot of people would probably consider opening up about how I was feeling to be a good thing, in my case however it was just a quirk, and a dangerous one. Waves of emotion struck and I began to sob. I wept with sorrow because I could never be good enough for an angel like Edward, but the most powerful feeling was also the one I most dreaded. Hatred. Hatred and anger at myself, for falling so short of where I should be, for not being good enough, and for not being strong enough to stop what I knew came next.

I stumbled into my bathroom, my vision blurry from crying and stared at myself in the mirror. My eyes were puffy and red, my face flushed and my nose was running. I was on the edge of hysteria and talking to my reflection.

"How could he love this?" I cried, pointing to my face.

"Is this a game, pretending to love me? Is this just something to do for entertainment?" But I knew Edward loved me, deep down I knew he did, but why? He proved his love constantly, in his concern for how I felt, always making sure I was "fed", the gentleness he displayed around m, even his incessant teasing about my clumsiness resounded with hi feelings for me. But this dream, hi stupid, stupid dream made me question the unquestionable. Even after this realization, the cause of my despair still echoed in my head. _You're not good enough; you can't possibly be what he deserves. _

"Shut up!" I was yelling at the mirror again, but I knew it wouldn't help. I knew from experience there was only one outlet for the immense self loathing I was feeling, only one way to make it stop.


	3. Chapter 3

I tried to steady my breathing as I fumbled in the bottom drawer of my vanity. I had forbidden Edward to open this particular drawer telling him that it held tampons and other embarrassing "feminine necessities." He knew the contents of every other compartment and drawer in my room and bathroom but this was my secret, the part of my life no one else knew about.

My hand found the altoid box I had been searching for. This tiny metal box still smelled of peppermint even after these past two years; it was innocent enough in appearance. I opened it to reveal two gleaming silver straight razors and an x-acto blade. I struggled with myself as I withdrew a blade; I hated doing this with every ounce of my being but something inside me was screaming for release. I couldn't ignore it. All the fears and insecurities I was unable to verbalize were freed in this one action.

I clenched my teeth and pressed the edge to my arm. I tried to hold my breath but, while breathing is just a habit to Edward, it happens to be a necessity for someone like myself. I took the quickest, most shallow breath possible but it didn't work. The all too familiar and overwhelmingly nauseating scent of blood reached my nose, forcing me to sink to the floor and hold a towel of my nose and mouth. The towel muffled the smell enough to prevent me from passing out and I hurried to finish the hateful task. Running out of the bathroom to avoid the rusty, salty odor, I wondered if I would ever understand how that could be the slightest bit tempting, even to a vampire. Charlie was in Seattle for an officer license renewal thingy that would last until Friday so I didn't have to clean up right away. I was already feeling calmer but the contentment I had felt this morning was long gone. A long sleeved tee shirt hid the bandages well, but in trying to mask the scent of blood, I sprayed enough Lysol to make someone high.

I was doing laundry when Edward tackled me. "Oh my god! You are **not** allowed to sneak up on me!" I tried to be angry but my efforts were unconvincing. I was so glad he was back early. He cocked his head at me and flashed that amazing crooked smile. "I missed you." was all he said. "I missed you too, but you about gave me a heart attack! I need to rig some sort of alarm system." Edward just rolled his eyes and leaned towards me. "I can give you a heart attack without sneaking up on you." His eyes were doing that remarkable, completely unfair smoldering thing again. "Watch." he commanded. He touched his lips to my neck and worked his way up to my mouth. He was right, he could make my heart stop. He could also make me forget how to breathe. The last thing I heard before I blacked out was his amused chuckle. "What am I going to do with you, my Bella?"

I was only out a few seconds but when my eyes opened Edward had already placed me on the sofa. "I forget to breathe again." I said stupidly. Hello, captain obvious. He just smiled at me patronizingly, "How was Forks while I was gone?" I groaned and made room for him next to me. "Forks without you is boring. I about wore the shelves thin rearranging books. Anything tasty in Canada?" He smirked. "I think I drove everyone mad, trying to convince them to leave early. Carlisle finally promised me that if I didn't complain for five days, we could leave two days early." he smiled now, obviously proud of himself. I couldn't help it. If Edward hadn't been holding me I would have rolled off the couch laughing. He sounded just like a little kid. Playfully patting his head, I used the voice normally reserved for small children. "I'm so proud of you, five whole days and not a peep out of Edward!"

"You're impossible" he growled and pulled me closer. He stiffened suddenly.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing" he answered after a moment. "You just smell a lot stronger today."

"I had my wheaties" I joked, desperate to change the subject. We sat and talked of Canada and Forks, showing how much we missed each other more often than talking of it. In the middle of one such make out session his hand trailed down my arm, making me stiffen and pull away. He could not find out. His eyes were questioning but I was saved from interrogation by Alice. She barged in the front door. "Girls day, Bella!" She must have said something to Edward through her thoughts because his eyes widened slightly and he gave an almost imperceptible nod. He kissed me swiftly and with an "I love you, see you tonight" he was gone.

Alice ushered me out to the car, chatting animatedly. As we neared town limits she turned to me, eyes solemn. "I saw you, Bella."

My voice must have raised an octave in my panic "What did you see?"

"You know what I'm talking about, Bella" she said softly. "Show me your arm."


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey I'm going to try to keep updating pretty regularly but I'm running into a parent problem, so bear with me. My mom is very conservative and would def. not allow me to read Twilight (it is well hidden****) and she doesn't like me writing. I'll be here as long as I can though! Anyways, I know this isn't a blog site so here's chapter four. Enjoy! **

I was almost too stunned to respond to Alice. I pulled up my sleeve, exposing my right arm. It was childish but I was desperate to avoid showing my friend what I was so ashamed of. "Other arm, Bella" Her voice was gentle but I knew that there was no avoiding this. I eased my left sleeve up to my elbow, wincing as the cloth rubbed over the bandages.

We pulled into a small deserted picnic area. Alice gently removed the bandages. "Oh, Bella" she breathed. I glanced quickly at her eyes. They were still honey colored and I was glad they had just been hunting. I was unable to read her expression as she exposed the three angry red slashes. It was several moments before she spoke, when she did, her voice as shaking. "Why? What made you do this?" I considered lying but Alice was as close as a sister to me. She would have to find out sometime anyway.

"I, I just don't know" I stuttered, "Well I do but...I'm scared." I looked up from my hands to Alice. "Start from the beginning" she suggested.

"It started back in Phoenix I guess. I've never really fit in with anyone. I was the pariah at my high school there. All the 'popular' kids hated me...I never gave them any reason to though. I hated myself; I was convinced there was something wrong with me. That's when I started" I nodded toward my arm. I couldn't bring myself to say it. "Cutting yourself?" Alice supplied. She was trying to help me out but there was no way she could understand how much I hated that phrase. It takes away who I am and what I've been through and classifies it into a behavioral problem. Calling myself a cutter makes me feel as though I have no choice other than to keep on hurting myself. "Alice," I choked and the tears I had been trying so hard to hold back fell freely. "_Alice, I hate it_." I whispered. "I hate how I feel when I do it but it is so much easier to see the hurt on the outside instead of feeling it eat me alive. It's easier to deal with that way." Talking to her was getting easier and more comfortable as I went along; it was almost a relief to have someone to listen to me rant.

"Edward said once that my number was up when he met me." I looked Alice in the eye. "It was up long before that. A couple months before I came to Forks I had tried to kill myself. I hated who I was so much I felt like I just could not take any more. It didn't work but I'm glad about that now. The pills only made me pass out and I was sick to my stomach for a couple of days. I had been planning to come to Forks after Mom married Phil. I always feel like a fifth wheel when he's around. And I_ wanted _to stop hurting myself. In Forks it would be like starting fresh. I had hoped it would be different, but it wasn't really. It was a little better, people actually noticed me at school. I was so mad at Edward for a while though, for not letting Tyler's van just crush me. I had kept the pills from Phoenix, just in case, but the night after the Port Angeles incident I threw them away."

I wondered how Alice was taking all this. She had her arm around me and was stroking me hair. "I don't think you're a freak." She told me, sensing my unasked question. Encouraged somewhat, I continued. "Nobody has ever cared for me like he does. I don't understand! I'm not in the least bit coordinated, or pretty, and I'm not very smart. He's perfect! I don't deserve that." Alice interrupted me for the first time. She lifted my chin, her eyes flashing. "You are a klutz Bella Swan, but that's it. I know Edward has told you this and I will too. You do not see yourself clearly! You are intelligent and you are beautiful. I know you have seen Edward's eyes darken occasionally when you walk into the cafeteria. That's because he has to listen to every male that sees you come in. He seems to have something against Mike in particular but that's not the point." She waved her hand dismissively. "And you didn't notice, but Emmett got a pretty good lecture from Edward at the prom." She grinned as my face flushed. Emmett had Rosalie, could I ever rival that? "Really?" my voice came out as a squeak. She giggled musically. "It was hilarious; I'm just happy Rosalie was over fixing her hair and didn't hear it." I was feeling better but I still had a question.

"I have this dream whenever Edward is gone though, it scares me." I told her about the beautiful vampire. "I don't want that to happen. I guess it's pitiful that I'm so dependent; if he loves me so much why won't he change me?" The tears that had stopped during Alice's speech began again. Alice wrapped her slender arms around me. "Has he ever given you reason to doubt him? I thought for a moment. "He said he would leave...to protect me." Alice chuckled softly "He could never do that. He's selfish when it comes to you, Bella. Before he started staying the night at your house he would talk about you to me for hours. And this last hunting trip," she rolled her eyes "I almost strangled him; he would not shut up!" It was my turn to laugh as I remembered his earlier remarks at my house. "He told me about that. And I know he loves me, I really believe that, it just seems too good to be true. I keep thinking that something has to go wrong if only because everything else has been so perfect." Alice gave me one last hug. "I still see him changing you. Just because he hasn't yet and says he won't doesn't mean anything. He wants to be with you as much, if not more, than you want to be with him. I love you, Bella. Are you okay for now?" I nodded. I really was; I felt lighter than I had in a while. Maybe the solution to my problem was not trying to shove down and ignore things but actually talk them over with someone who was actually sane and rational. We drove for a while in silence before a thought interrupted my musings.

"Hey Alice, you aren't going to tell Edward about this are you?"

HOLY CRAP! that was a hard chapter to write! Sorry if it's confusing!


	5. Chapter 5

Alice was silent for a moment as she thought. "This is your story, Bella." she said finally. "I think he ought to know but you should be the one to tell him." I sat back and released a breath I didn't realize I had been holding. "Thanks, Alice. I owe you one."

"I think I will take you up on that." she grinned slyly. I looked out the window as she parked the car. "Oh no!" I groaned. We were at the mall for another of Alice's Barbie-Bella sessions. "Oh come on," she said cheerily, "I'll let you pick the clothes but I have to approve, ok?" This was a huge sacrifice for her; she loved picking out the clothes. "Alright."

We spent the next several hours in various designer stores. Spring was here and there were rack after rack of long sleeved tops on sale. I tried on at least ten in one particular store. They fit perfectly and flattered my slim frame but Alice kept insisting that they, "Just aren't right." After trying on about five more I was a little frustrated and more than slightly curious. "What's the problem? It's still cool enough for sleeves." "I know" she stated with a smirk as she chose a sleeveless sundress. "I'm trying to provide a little extra motivation." She could tell I was lost. "Motivation?" Alice glances pointedly at my arm and handed me the sundress. _Sleeveless_.

"Oh" was all I could say. My eyes teared slightly and I quickly turned to examine a display of summer tops. It had been so long since someone who knew about my problem had actually shown any concern. Even Mom had brushed it off as a 'phase.' It felt good to know someone cared. We bought the sundress.

I must have fallen asleep on the ride back home. I woke to the rare Forks sunshine. Spring break is an amazing concept. "Good morning!" I sat up to see Edward sitting on my windowsill. His face was expectant as he asked, "What was it you so desperately needed to tell me?" Holy crap I thought and quickly decided to play dumb. "What are you talking about?" He sighed and a smile played on the corner of his perfect mouth. "You were talking in your sleep and you told me there was something you needed me to know and that it was important." I was relieved that Alice had kept her promise. "I don't know!" I tried to make my tone as light as possible but I must have been blushing because Edward was in front of me instantly. "What is it, Bella?" "It's nothing!" I insisted, "I promise I'll tell you soon enough." He scooped me up in his arms and we settled onto my bed. "Now is a perfect time." he said coaxingly. I made the horrible mistake of looking into his smoldering eyes. I knew he could sense my resolve weakening. He rubbed circles in my hand as he kissed me softly. "Please?" he whispered. My mind raced, Alice had taken the news calmly enough, maybe...

I pulled up my sleeve and showed him my secret.

Edward just stared at me dumbly as a range of expressions crossed his face. It was abnormal, usually he was an enigma and very difficult to read. I watched shock, disbelief, sadness and finally a curious mix of anger and hurt. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I didn't want you to be angry." I lowered my eyes, "It's not your fault. I was just afraid." In a voice so soft even Edward couldn't hear I murmured, "I still am." Edward just groaned.

"I'm not angry at you, Bella." He held me in his arms as I leaned against his stone chest, wondering what he was thinking. "Why? What happened to make you do this?" he asked. "It was from a dream I had. You left me...for another girl, a vampire." Though it sounded silly in retrospect it still worried me. His musical chuckle sounded in my ear. "Do you really believe I could ever leave you?" I was beginning to get worked up. "I'm serious, Edward. It scares me!"

The poor guy didn't deserve what happened next. He was the victim of the wrath of a frightened, hysterical, and borderline crazy woman. I was crying freely now. "Edward, you say forever but you aren't willing to make it happen! I really do believe you love me and I want to be with you. I can't give you everything that you deserve! What kind of relationship is it where you have to be careful not to reach out and crush my skull and I have to wonder whether or not you will lose control one day? I'm not saying you would do it on purpose, but it's something you could fix so that we wouldn't have to worry!" I passed a hand over my eyes, "I'm sorry Edward. I didn't mean it. I'm such a freak!

He hugged me closer. "Freak" he mused. "I can't see it. There is a problem but it is completely fixable." "You'll change me then?" I hadn't expected it to be that easy. He raised an eyebrow, "I was referring to the problem on your arm. What do you think would happen if I were to change you now? As a vampire, your traits and characteristics would be intensified, this ah...tendency could be included." I was silent for several minutes. There was no way I was giving up this easily, there had to be a flaw in his argument. Finally it struck me.

_Esme._

"Esme was suicidal, Edward, she jumped off a cliff, right? "Yes, your point is...?" he waited for me to continue. "Well, do you see her launching herself off of every cliff there is now? My 'tendency' as you call it, is not a trait or characteristic, I wasn't born with it. There is no way you could do me any harm by making me like you, aside from the three days it would take." He turned his head away. "Don't you see? Esme needed Carlisle. It was his actions that saved her and made her whole. Does either of them regret that? He saved Esme from herself, Edward, would our situation be that much different?"

Edward had grown stiff during my plea. He turned to me; his eyes had grown dark and were full of pain as he said in a low voice, "Bella you call yourself a freak, would you choose to become a monster?" His voice rose, "I love you with everything in me, but I would watch you die before condemning you to an eternal hell."

He was gone. In the background I heard grown trees snap under the force of his anger. My head rang with his parting words, _"I would watch you die..."_ How could he? The next several minutes I felt as though I were in a trance. I had promised Alice no more; I even had the sundress as my token. I felt so empty and powerless it seemed the only thing I could do. But I forgot about the blood. The last thing I felt before darkness sank over me was the blade biting deeper than I ever meant it to.

Edward's POV

I was in a rage. Not at Bella but at myself. I knew she was right; changing her would solve our problems. But I was too weak to do it. It would be as much of a hell for me to watch her transformation as it would be for her to go through it. I would not put her through that agony, the insatiable desire to feed, or the seemingly endless night. But at the same time I knew I would never be able to watch her die, she was my angel, how could I?

Random trees took the brunt of my frustration. I slowed as I reached the house and racked my brain for a suitable way to make up to her. What I had said was harsh and inexcusable. Alice met me at the door of our house. "You bastard!" she yelled. She was shaking as she roughly grabbed my hand. In the few minutes it took us to reach Bella's house she communicated to me Bella's fears and insecurities about herself, the treatment she had received at her former high school, her concern that she was not good enough for me and why she hurt herself. It was overwhelming, but I was beginning to understand the impact my words would have had on Bella. The scent of Bella's blood reached our nostrils as Alice shared her final thought, the vision she had just received of my Bella. I ran as I never had before. The image of her crumpled and bleeding to death was horrific. _What had I done?_

**Author's Note **

**I obviously have several choices as to what could happen next but I just can't choose! Let me know what you think: **

**(1) Bella dies (**

**(2) Edward changes Bella**

**(3) Alice changes Bella **

**(4) Bella comes out just fine (unchanged) w/the help of Carlisle**

**I'm stuck! Review & let me know! Thanks! lj**


	6. Chapter 6

_I've been getting some nasty personal messages from people mad with how my story is progressing. We all (myself included) fell in love with Ms. Meyer's Bella and Edward. I am simply doing a spin off – _**that's why it's called a fanfic**_. I wanted to portray Bella with a weakness of some sort and this is how it ended up. We have a huge array of Bella's on this site, including one that got drunk and a couple that belly dance. Its cool – no need to spazz! Don't shoot me down for my version please. If you don't like it then don't read it. _

_Thanks so much to everyone that gave helpful reviews! It was really hard to choose what to do with poor Bella but I think I'm also going to try and alternate version where Bella recovers or something. _

_Props to _Fluff Freak_ – she had some fabulous ideas that I used for this chapter. Thanks a million! _

EPOV

I had so hoped that Alice's vision would be wrong just this once; that the smell of blood came from a scratch or surface wound from one of Bella's all too frequent accidents. She didn't respond as I entered the bathroom. "Oh god." Alice was right behind me. Her eyes flashed as she glared, "What happened, Edward? What did you say?" Her voice was darker and more threatening than I had heard in all the years I had known her. I sank to the floor overwhelmed. "I said that I would watch her die before condemning her to this hell, before making her like me." My voice was a hoarse whisper and I felt as though I were caught up in a bad nightmare, the kind I vaguely remembered from my human days. I stared at her rapidly paling face, how could this happen, how could I have effected her like this?

Alice worked to control herself and her tiny hands were clenched into tight fists. I didn't try to hear what she was thinking; I didn't want to know. "Here's your chance damn it!" she finally spat out, "What are you going to do?"

"Isn't there anything Carlisle could do?" I pressed a towel to Bella's arm to try to slow the bleeding. It was strange that her blood offered no temptation to me now. The very sight of it and knowing the manner in which it had been spilt repulsed me. I knew it was at least partly my fault and I hated myself for it. Alice was calmer now but her voice held an undeniable intensity, "You can hear her heart just as well as I can." I listened as the rhythmic beat grew steadily slower and fainter. I couldn't speak; it should have been a simple choice. I could never deprive Bella of the peace of death, but I wanted, needed to be with her forever. Could I really be so selfish?

Alice was urgent, "Either way you choose, Edward, she will die! She can die and be lost to you forever or she can die and remain with you. How many individuals get the chance to stay with the person they love for eternity! You have that choice. We all know what Bella wants; we have for a long time now." I closed my eyes during her outburst. The struggle was tearing me apart. I wanted to be with Bella, I would never be whole apart from her. But would it be better for her to die peacefully, to simply slip away, or to endure an agonizing death over the next three days and an eternity of darkness after? Bella had altered my very nature. She taught me the meaning of love and trust by accepting me for who and _what _I was. I did not want to consciously put her through hell, but I could not live without her. The roared as the conflict inside my chest heightened.

It was then I heard the terrifying sound of stillness. Bella's heart began to sputter as her life left her. I made my decision right then, but Alice was quicker. Her head was at Bella's neck in a move blindingly fast, even for my own heightened senses. I was shocked. After a few moments she raised her head, staring at me defiantly. Rage at her actions and relief that Bella was saved surged inside of me. Neither of us spoke. We didn't have time to discuss what had just happened; we had to get Bella home before the pain completely enveloped her.

BPOV

I heard voices. I quickly identified them as Edward and Alice, though they sounded garbled and slow, as if I was hearing them from underwater. I wanted to reach out and tell him I was sorry. It wasn't supposed to happen like this; it wasn't his fault. I had forgotten about the blood. I had gotten dizzy and stumbled. I tried to recover myself but the slip had inadvertently driven the edge deeper. I didn't mean to do this! I cursed the heavy darkness that pressed upon me, preventing me from reaching him. I needed to tell Edward I loved him, just this one last time. I felt a brief spasm of pain in my chest as my heart sputtered and heard Edward's roar, loud yet somehow distant. A few seconds later I became aware of a sharp twinge and the warm trickle of blood down my neck. There was a moment of forgiving numbness, calm before the storm. Fire ripped through my body, drawing my senses out of the dark fog in which they were mired. My back arched involuntarily and I screamed as pain racked my body. I felt Edward's cool arms lift me and knew from the wind that ruffled my hair we were running.

_back to_ EPOV

Her first scream shattered my heart. The next three days would be torture for us both. Alice ran ahead to prepare the others as I scooped Bella up. The floor of a bathroom was not a good place to endure the transformation. I cradled her writhing form on my sofa as Alice cleaned the dried blood from her arm. Rosalie complained constantly of the noise as the cries echoed through our halls and I fought the urge to pummel Rosa. I wondered if she would accept Bella after the change was complete. I watched as the outward signs of the transformation became apparent. Her bones reformed and hardened making her slender frame even thinner. I would no longer have to worry about crushing her. I overheard Alice excitedly planning a shopping trip to search for clothes to fit Bella's new, even more petite frame. Bella's face changed as well. The eyes I knew would be deep red when they opened grew larger; her nose straightened slightly and became narrower. Her mouth retained its beautiful fullness. The obvious physical changes prompted m to wonder about her inner state, what gift, if any would she have?

Another wave of pain shot through her body drawing me from my musings. She had been in and out of delirium but, just as Carlisle had predicted, she remained conscious, suffering minute by minute throughout the painful ordeal. As I watched her I wondered how I could have ever contemplated allowing her to die. I still despised myself for even thinking of it. I knew now I would not and could not let go of her, she was far too precious to me.

The final day was the most agonizing by far. By now the venom had worked its way through most of the body, healing and strengthening as it went. Today began the process of stopping the heart. She convulsed violently, releasing scream after scream. Her body shook with tearless sobs as wave after wave of excruciating pain swept through. I held her close, humming her lullaby and listening for the last time to the gentle beat of her heart, trying to memorize its pattern. Her tearless sobs quieted and she grew more still, letting out an occasional whimper. I rocked her, wishing for the first time that I could cry to release the sorrow within me, as I waited for the end.


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: ok, I had put this chapter up earlier but I hated it so much that I rewrote it. Some parts I kept and others I completely trashed. This is the revised (and hopefully better) version_

BPOV:

I knew Edward was with me only because I could hear his voice. The excruciating pain overpowered any touch from his cold comforting arms. Bright flashes of light and color danced behind my closed eyes. Occasionally I was allowed a moment of rest between the waves of fire. It was in these moments I would gasp to Edward, "How much longer?" The relief from the pain was so brief that I wasn't always able to finish the question. He had been right. The transformation was hell. For three days I was separated from the world and from Edward. I felt nothing but the raging heat that ran like molten lava through my veins and the gut wrenching pain of the venom that would stop my heart. Though I couldn't feel Edward's embrace I knew he was there. His voice whispered in my ear, as he alternated between humming my lullaby and counting down the hours, seventy-two to one.

Edward whispered "Just two more" I felt his lips brush against my ear. It would seem a small occurrence to any one else, but I had been unable to feel anything for seventy hours. That small sensation gave me hope and let me know the end was near. From that moment on the pain continued to subside; the wild dance of color behind my eyes slowed and gave way to darkness. The heat drained from my body, leaving me relieved and slightly shaky. Brief spasms of pain still shot through my body but the worst was over.

I awoke alone.

He had stayed with me throughout the transformation why had he left now? "Edward?" There was no answer or movement anywhere. "Edward!" I was yelling now and panicking. Where was he? I heard footsteps coming closer but I didn't care. They were much too light to belong to him. Alice poked her head in the door "Come on in" I sighed.

At least someone remembered I was alive. Or dead rather. I tried to fix the statement in my head so it would work out for me before I decided that I really didn't care. Alice was across the room before I could blink and squeezed me in a hug that would have crushed the bones of a human. I returned her embrace briefly and ignored the questions that she was firing at me. I took a step back and managed to trip over the rug. Dang. I had hoped my clumsiness would be nothing more than a memory from now on. Alice's eyes sparkled with amusement that promptly died as I asked her about Edward. Her eyes and expression betrayed nothing as she answered. "He's just gone hunting, he stayed with you through the three days but he needed to feed as soon as possible. He'll be back soon." she promised. She was lying to me. I turned toward the open window as I contemplated.

Nothing in her manner had suggested a lie but I knew better. _'Perceptive'_ I remembered Edward's whispered comment from one of our first conversations. He had picked up on it early and it made sense to me now. Was this my gift? I tested myself by focusing in on Alice. I could sense her discomfort as well as her desire to change the subject. She wanted to keep me from thinking about Edward and why he had disappeared. It occurred to me that she didn't know where he was either and the thought scared me.

I turned back to her, pleased with that I had managed to discover my gift so early by myself and anxious to know the truth. One look at her face told me I would learn nothing from her now. "Bella?" Oops. She was waiting for the answer and I had no idea what the question had been. "Huh?" Becoming a vampire had certainly not enhanced my verbal skills. "I asked how you were feeling." "Oh." I grinned at her, "I'm doing fantastically well considering I just died." I frowned, there was something else too. I tried to locate the nagging desire, to give it a name. "And thirsty." I finally admitted. The back of my throat tingled and the subtly sweet taste of venom rose in my mouth. I must have been making strange faces because Alice burst out laughing. "Come downstairs and then we'll go hunt."

"Alright, wait just a minute though." I remembered Edward saying I would change if I was ever to become a vampire. I wanted to see for myself. I raced out of the room to find a mirror and I stopped short at the sight that met my eyes. The girl in the mirror looked like me but it was as if an artist had taken her features and sculpted them, making them more defined. My nose was straighter, so was my hair. My hair had a sheen to it I had never been able to achieve before, even with the help of a flat iron. My lips were fuller. I was unprepared for the change in my eyes, though Carlisle had mentioned what would happen. The irises were a brilliant crimson and were framed by lashes I thought only existed in mascara commercials. It was a little disconcerting. I forced myself to take in my entire image, trying to forget about my eyes. Everything was about me was thinner. My waist, legs and even my face had become trimmer. I now had the washboard abs of a model. I could get used to that, I decided contentedly.

It took about two seconds to reach the den where everyone was gathered. Scratch that. Where everyone _except Edward_ was gathered. Waves of emotion hit me and I tried to process the information. I was able to perceive and tell what they were all feeling. Carlisle and Esme both seemed pleased that the change had finally taken place. Their worry threatened to overpower their pleasure and I realized that they too had no idea where my angel had fled. Jasper was also pleased and there was also a sense of contentment, though it stemmed from observing the still bubbly Alice rather than the present situation. Emmett was smug and self-righteous. I knew that he would be making sure Edward knew that Emmett had told him I would be changed eventually. Rosalie was indifferent. It didn't surprise or bother me; I preferred her inattention to her outright disdain and hatred.

I began to realize, as I absorbed all the emotion present, that there were two feelings that they all shared. The first was worry for Edward, in which I shared. It wasn't like him to leave me, especially without telling anyone where he had gone. The second was pleasure. It was all innocent enough with the exception of Rosalie. Something was off when I searched her feelings. Her pleasure stemmed from a darker and deeper source than that of the others.

We talked for several minutes and I was bombarded by questions that included everything from how I felt and other such medical inquiries to when I wanted to go shopping. I laughed off Emmett's suggestion of a race to see who could find the first grizzly. I knew that as a new vampire I was at the peak of my strength but I was still no match for Emmett. The thought of attacking a grizzly was still frightening to me...but maybe something smaller.

Alice guessed my thoughts and cut the questioning short. "Bella, you run upstairs and change into some jeans. Rosalie and I will be waiting in the car." We drove several miles out of town and into the forest. Emmett, Esme, Carlisle, and Jasper had insisted that they 'weren't really that thirsty' but I got the impression they would be searching for Edward while we were gone. Standing outside of the car Alice explained how they hunted. "Start by letting you senses, smell in particular, take over. It helps if you think about what exactly you want to feed on. The breeze shifted and carried a new scent towards us. "That?" my voice was strained and I trembled slightly with the effort that it took for me to wait for Alice's 'ok' to take what I desired. The fact that I wanted blood did not bother me as much as I had thought it would, nor did the smell make me nauseous. Alice stiffened. "Rosalie go!" she barked out. She shot off, pulling me after her. We had gone several miles before Rosalie would allow me to stop. "What happened?" Rosalie grinned at me mockingly. "That was a human you smelled, Bella. Alice is moving the car. We couldn't leave it unexplained in the woods like that and it's not safe for any of us to hunt when a human is near."

A human. I now understood why Edward referred to his family as vegetarians. I knew I would not be able to safely be around humans for a while. It was too tempting. The evil gleam remained in Rosalie's eyes. I decided to risk asking her about Edward. While the others feared that the truth would upset me, Rosalie enjoyed upsetting me. I knew she would tell me what I needed to know.

"Where did Edward go to hunt?" I inquired casually. She turned on me swiftly. "Hunt!" she scoffed. Her beautiful face twisted into a sneer and I recognized the dark pleasure I had sensed earlier. "He didn't want you like _this_!" she hissed. She nodded at Alice who was just emerging from the trees. "Why don't you ask her to tell you what happened and how you came to be stuck with us forever? Ask Alice who changed you Isabella!" An unnecessary breath caught in my throat and the thirst I felt was quickly pushed aside. She had to be lying. _Please be lying._ But I knew there was nothing in her statement that even hinted at a lie. Maybe it wasn't true. My gift was still new to me; maybe there were subtle intricacies I wasn't aware of.

Alice's sorrowful eyes met mine and I knew.

_A/N 2: just an f.y.i. – Bella's gift is similar to Jasper's but while he is able to influence emotion Bella can only identify the emotion. She is able to recognize the source of the emotion in most cases as well. I have always thought of her as a good judge of character so I added in her ability to discern truth from lies. _

_Reviews make me happy!_


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N: sorry about the wait! _

_EPOV _

I left as her whimpers quieted and she grew still. I could not bear to see her as a vampire, not now, not yet. Neither of us had been ready for this to happen. I was just beginning to accept the fact that I would eventually need to change her when she...I gripped the steering wheel harder, leaving the imprints of my hands in the leather. She had hurt herself intentionally. I had heard of people doing this, but Bella? She had always seemed so happy, so warm and open. Alice had told me the full story but I just couldn't believe it. I wished for the millionth time that she were still human-that I could go back in time and prevent this whole incident. I wanted my last memory of her humanity to be her amusing clumsiness, alluring scent, and the beautiful blush that always rose with the littlest provocation. Instead I was stuck with the image of her bloody arm, the sputtering sound of her heart as it slowed, and the way her eyes had begun to roll back just before Alice bit her. I didn't want that memory for all eternity; I didn't want to see those images whenever I looked at her. I decided that she needed someone who was able to love her for what she was now. Someone who didn't know how she had become that way and who had no regrets about how it had happened. So I ran. Just like the first time I met her in biology.

I knew it was cruel of me to leave her to waken alone. I missed her even now; I had told her that I always left a part of myself when I left her. I felt the same hole in my chest, even when leaving during these circumstances. Alice would take care of her. Alice. I had been angry at her for changing Bella even though I knew she saved her life. My anger really stemmed more from my self loathing for not being able to do the deed myself. I was supposed to protect Bella and I had failed her. I loved her more than I did myself but I had been unable to give her the thing she needed most. I knew where I had gone wrong. My words still haunted me. _"I would watch you die before condemning you to an eternal hell." _ I knew I could never do such a thing, but Bella didn't. I had said the thing that hurt her so bad that the hurt had spilled over from the inside, manifesting itself outwardly.

My eyes flickered to the road as I passed the North Dakota state line. I had no idea where I was going – I just needed to drive. The speed and sound of the tired on asphalt had not been able to distract my thoughts as I had hoped. I should have known this would happen. I should have known that I, being the monster I am, would have eventually hurt her somehow. She was far too good for me.

I allowed myself a wry smile at that last thought. Wasn't that what Alice had said Bella feared about herself? Of course it was impossible. Even with her imperfections Bella was loving, genuine, warm, and honest, painfully honest. The incident with Tyler's van immediately popped into my head. She had demanded an explanation of how I had saved her, not so she would be able to tell others, but because she didn't like to lie. She hated dishonesty and hypocrisy.

_In that instant, I understood_.

It was because she hated lying that she hurt herself. It was easier to give the pain a physical outlet that to confess how hurt she was emotionally. She was always brave, putting on a strong front even when she was scared to death. In the video with James she had managed somehow to stand still until the last minute – something no other human would have been able to do when they knew what they were up against. Alice had told me about Bella's classmates in Phoenix and how she was treated, and how her mother had blown off her feelings as a "phase." It was no wonder she never confided to anyone until Alice. Her mother had been her closest friend. Cutting herself was her way of making up for her lies. I could see it so clearly now. Every time she said _"I'm fine"_ it would mean another scar; the wider the smile the deeper the cut. It was so much easier to dull the pain on the inside when it was released outwardly. This had been going on in Phoenix, long before I had known her; it was not my fault. I could make it worse but I could also make it so much better. I did a quick thought check for cops before slamming the brakes. The Volvo did a one-eighty and went two hundred the whole way back to Forks.

_BPOV _

"_It all happened so fast. Your heart was slowing quickly and you had already lost so much blood, I just reacted." Alice spoke quickly, "I'm sure Edward would have changed you, Bella. It's my fault really; I didn't give him the chance..." _

Alice's words faded as I ran. Of course that's why he left. He_ wanted_ me to be changed and he thought it would be fun to leave me after it happened. He wasn't lying when he had told me he would watch me die before changing me. He would have too, if Alice had not been there and acted so quickly. I knew I had bugged him a lot about changing me, but I had no idea he was so opposed to the whole idea.

I wanted to change what had happened. I was glad I was a vampire but it wasn't supposed to have happened this way! I had always thought that Edward and I would come to an agreement and that he would see why I needed to be like him. It was supposed to have been Edward that changed me - not Alice! I knew I had messed up badly. Why didn't I control myself! Could I really have been so stupid to overreact that way? I remembered our last conversation well. His words had hurt, but they were not worth the price I now had to pay. I loved my new life, but, if it was possible, I would have gone back to being a human to resolve what I had done. _Oh, where was he?_

I slowed as I approached my house. I knew it was mine only because Carlisle and Alice had been telling me about my past for the past twenty-four hours. My own memories were very hazy and general. The pain was the sharpest recollection of my human life. I knew that Charlie was my father, he was a cop, and he liked to fish. That was all. Alice had tried to fill me in as best she could on the times I had spent with Charlie and important details. With the help of the others my I was remembering more of my past as well as the details about it. My recollections of Edward and his family were crystal clear. Carlisle had supposed it was because I was so strongly connected to them all emotionally, and somewhat physically and mentally as well. He was right. I knew something was wrong, something was missing. I felt different and it was not due to my new vampire strengths or needs. I missed Edward. My chest felt hollow and Esme had remarked this morning that my eyes seemed hollow.

I switched the computer on in my room. I had no idea where the key was, so I was forced to climb through the window like Edward had so many times before. I wandered around the house while the computer booted up. Looking at photographs helped bring back pieces of my old life. I came across a picture of two Indians, one young, one old. The old man was wrinkled and in a wheelchair, but his eyes were fierce and unclouded by his age. The boy's eyes were much gentler and held a little laughter as well. Both had bronze skin and dark hair, though the man's was more gray now than black. There was something about these people...they would help me. The names on the back of the photo read Billy and Jacob Black. They must be a part of the Quileute tribe; it was the only reservation around here. I ran upstairs. Carlisle had told me that hi coven had a pact with the Indians on the reservation and we were not allowed on their land. A Google search brought up thousands of sites but I was looking for information about legends and tribe beliefs. There had to be a reason that I felt these people could help me. I finally met with success. This particular page dealt with the tribe beliefs, one of which included that the Quileute tribe was descended from werewolves. I knew I had heard that somewhere before. Weren't werewolves supposed to be the enemies of vampires? Why was my instinct telling me to look to them? A link on the next page revealed why.


	9. Chapter 9

I read the page eagerly. The site was not linked to any "official" information sources like encyclopedias and I assumed it must be operated by a single individual. The article was...interesting and unlike anything that the Cullens had told me. The Quileutes were werewolves, or so the page claimed, but they were not true Alpha werewolves. The tribe formed a smaller category and was a division of some group called Beta werewolves.

"Well, that sure clears things up." I had no idea what all of this Alpha and Beta talk meant. As I read on, I found that this distinction meant they had the ability to shape shift only if they were of the "old Quileute" bloodline and if they were able to call upon their birthright. The rest of the page was a bunch of mythical mumbo-jumbo that made no sense to me. One line, however, caught my attention.

"_Quileutes are traditionally healers and this gift is intensified when they interact with vampires, if the Indian is in possession of the "old blood" as well as their birthright." _

I now had more information about this tribe but was it true? The website appeared simplistic, almost as if someone had just thrown it together. But the way the legends and historical facts were presented and tied together implied that the writer had a good knowledge of the subject. I leaned back and balanced my chair on two legs. How could they heal vampires? We didn't get sick! That part didn't make any sense, but the unexplainable urge to visit the reservation was insatiable and was now intensified by my curiosity. I needed a plan.

My eyes tingled. I missed crying; it was better than harboring all this fear inside of me. And I missed Edward. I swallowed hard. It was my fault he was gone. It was my fault that I had, against his wishes, become a vampire and was in this situation. The change had made me stronger physically, not emotionally. It didn't fix the hurt I felt now that he was gone; it made me determined to somehow fix what I had done – no matter the cost.

** ------------**

-------/ \---------

\---O----------O ----/ -----** forks**

_Meanwhile: Edward is on the way to Forks...vroom vroom! _

_(That's **supposed** 2 be a car btw – I know it sucks...oh well!) _

I decided to follow my gut feeling to visit the reservation, even though I couldn't understand it. If what Carlisle had said about the treaty was true I definitely would not be welcome there. It was imperative that I look and behave like the average human. I pulled on a pair of jeans and an old hoodie. A baseball cap completed an outfit that would have caused Alice to cringe had she been there. If the people in the photo were at the reservation I wanted to be as unrecognizable as possible.

People. I remembered the smell of the human earlier and the back of my throat burned with need. I had to hunt. I shot off deep into the woods after tucking a small notebook and pen into the oversized pocket of the hoodie. It would be easier to ask questions if I pretended to be a student working on a school project of some sort. The breeze shifted as I ran, causing my head to whip around. The scent was no match for the appetizing human blood I had detected earlier, but it would do. At the sound of snuffling and branched snapping I knelt into a crouch. My surroundings blurred as I honed in on the bear ambling about two hundred yards from my position. I ran and leapt. Bones cracked upon impact and the luscious odor filled my nostrils. The bear fell heavily and I drank deep.

A small squeal broke my concentration on my meal. I turned to see two dark eyes staring at me from the bushes. A cub. I felt sick. I had killed its mother. I fled the woods, not willing to look back. This was what he meant when he had said he was a monster. I understood completely now, for I was one too. The knowledge was frightening.

I tried to push the incident to the back of my mind as I headed towards the reservation.

The appearance of the area surprised me. I had expected tepees and such and I now mentally kicked myself for my naivety and stereotypes. The buildings were modern houses and the people rode in cars, not on horses. Stupid! I chided, laughing at myself. My smile disappeared as I smelled the blood. This little trip was going to be hell. I loved Edward more each second, as I realized how hard it was for him to be near me all the time. "Let's get this over with." I urged myself on.

I walked down a street trying to figure out how I was going to tell if someone had the "old blood" the web page had spoken of. "I could taste it..." I murmured to myself before I had even realized what I had said. Bad Bella! I steered my thoughts elsewhere. I hummed my lullaby as I walked. A man kneeling in a flowerbed twisted to stare at me and cocked his head slightly.

I stopped humming. He shouldn't have been able to hear that! It was too soft for human ears to detect. I slowed my pace and shuffled my feet slightly. It was odd, trying to appear clumsy now. I had grown used to my new grace quite quickly and enjoyed it beyond measure. It was amazing – being able to walk without falling every few yards.

He was still staring. I decided to play innocent. "How are you?"

The man blinked his droopy eyelids and raised his brow. "I'm alright. Anything I can help you with?"

I tested his emotions while he spoke. His surprise stemmed from hearing my humming as well as my appearance. Shoot! So much for being inconspicuous.

"Well," I slowed my voice and raised it a little higher in an attempt to sound younger. "My name is Marie and I'm doing a research paper on the Quileute legends, including one involving a birthright. Can you tell me anything about it?" I used my middle name, in case anyone asked questions. He was really shocked now, but it no longer had anything to do with my appearance.

"A birthright? Well now, you come on inside and I'll tell you what little I know." I smiled at him. He had a grandfatherly air about him and the offer was innocent. His house has small and had a musty odor. I pretended to nibble at the cake he offered me while waiting for him to speak.

"My name's John. Everybody 'round here calls me Doc though, so you can too if you like. I'm the tribe healer, more from tradition that practice though."

He winked and smiled. I couldn't believe my luck. The first person I speak to is a healer _and_ knows the legend!

"Alrighty, there's a legend we Quileutes still hold to, and that is that we were descended from the wolves. Most people nowadays would call them werewolves, because they took the form of both man and wolf. Our belief is that the blood of the wolf still runs in those whose Quileute blood is strong. This trait is called having "old blood."

I had my notebook out and was taking notes for appearance sake. 'Doc' paused here and puffed a pipe he had lit previously. He waited now for me to ask another question. He obviously was not going to tell me any more detail about this particular belief.

"What about vampires?" I ventured. "I've heard before that werewolves and vampires are supposed to be enemies." He looked at me curiously and his eyes glittered. "What makes you think creatures like that exist?"

"Your beliefs hold that werewolves exist – why not vampires? I read somewhere that your people call them the Cold Ones." I drew now from Carlisle's reminders about the forbidden ground I had invaded.

'Doc' sighed. "If it's for a research paper, I suppose I can tell you a little. Myth still holds that all werewolves are enemies of vampires. That is not the case with the Quileute." He smirked at my expression which I knew was puzzled. His emotions were constantly fluctuating, from suspicious to amused to worried, they were all there.

"Don't get me wrong now, we do not like the Cold Ones and have taken measures to make sure they stay away from our land. But the gods have appointed us as their healers." He rolled his eyes as he puffed away. "It's an odd role, to be sure. Vampires do not fall ill; therefore we do not perform that type of healing."

I was on the edge of my seat. 'Doc' looked at me disapprovingly. "Aren't you gonna write down what I'm telling you, child? This stuff here's privileged information!"

I sputtered. "You...You're just such a good narrator. I forgot to write." My pen scratched the paper frantically, trying to get all the information down. The suspicion was gone now and I found the air easier to breathe. Not that I needed to. I made a mental not to check later to see if unpleasant emotions caused any other noticeable effects on me.

He nodded, satisfied with my effort and continued.

"**_The Quileute is able, if he is of the 'old blood' and can call upon his birthright, to restore a vampire to humanity." _**

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_OOO I love cliffys! _

_I know everyone says it, but it's so true! Reviews really do motivate me to get chapters out quicker! Thanks you guys! _

_L.J._


	10. Chapter 10

_Bella's POV_

My mind raced wildly, though I tried to remain calm. Was he joking? Did he _know_ what I was? He certainly looked serious enough. I forgot about how badly his talk had been boring me, I forgot my still-nagging thirst, and even attempted to push Edward to the back of my mind. I tried to consider all the possibilities. I could be human, maybe Edward too. But that wasn't what I wanted. But Rosalie...now that would be interesting. The thought made me smile. I finally had what I had craved for so long now. I would be more than happy to give her humanity. There was no way I would ever give up eternity with Edward. Or without. The very idea hurt. For all I knew, he was never coming back.

'Doc' was staring at me curiously again. I met his gaze and he looked away quickly and shook his head, as if to rid it of an unpleasant thought.

"I've never heard of this before. How is it done?" I gave myself a mental pat-on-the-back. My voice was steady and betrayed no hint of the impatience I felt.

"Our tribe rituals are not readily given to outsiders."

Oh but they would be! This was something I needed to know. Maybe this was the reason I had felt such an urge to visit the reservation? Thoughts of Edward were with me constantly. Maybe if I was able to undo some of the damage I had caused he would forgive me and come back. I weighed the pros and cons of such a decision as 'Doc' rambled on about tribe secrecy.

As a vampire I would be able to stay with the Cullens forever and Edward too, if he returned. Could I really have caused this much trouble and hurt him this badly? I blamed myself for him leaving. There was no other reason for him to leave his family. I had been changed against his wishes because I couldn't control how I felt. If he never forgave me, if he never returned I would be forced to live forever with only the memory of what we had and the knowledge that I had destroyed what could have been. I couldn't do it.

As a human I would have the chance to fix what had happened. I would be able to wait for Edward to change me. Alice had said he would...eventually. And if he didn't? Memories can vanish as quickly as life. I would rather end my life than spend it apart from him. My mind was made up; the agonizing over a decision was over. Now I had to persuade 'Doc' into telling me how this return to mortality occurred.

"...you understand what I'm sayin' dontcha?" 'Doc's gravelly baritone derailed my train of thought. I could ace any class as a vampire. I had been able to think through a decision completely and absorb everything he had been talking about.

"Of course, I wouldn't want you to violate Quileute customs in order to help me on my paper." My voice was sugary sweet though I felt disgusting flirting with a man old enough to be my grandfather. I was willing to try though, if he would just spill the secret. "Still, I'm very interested in this issue personally. I certainly would not include it in the paper if you did not want me to."

I realized I was toeing the line with my 'personal interest' comments. His emotions confirmed that he hadn't realized exactly why I was so interested however, and there was no longer any suspicion. I could sense nervousness and a disturbing touch of thrill. Gross. This had better work. His eyes had a dazed look and I knew it would.

"You can't tell nobody!" his voice was thick. "I'm gonna _show_ you, so you'll get a better idea of what all's involved." He straightened and walked in an unsteady gait to a closet in the corner. "I'll perform it on 'ya as if you were one of them Cold Ones."

Fear shuddered through my limbs. Did I really want this? No. But it would give me a better chance of receiving Edward's forgiveness as well as regaining his love. That was my motivation. I was relieved that he still believed me to be a human.

"What would happen if this was performed on an actual vampire?" He let out a chuckle. "This won't work on just any vampire – there are conditions. The vampire would have to be new to that life, no more than five years.

Aww, there goes Rosalie's chance of humanity.

"If they had fed from people recently they would die as soon as they became a human. Unless of course, the humans they had murdered happened to have the same blood type as the vampire had as a mortal."

He wasn't making sense. "What?"

"If a vampire was changed less than five years before, then this procedure would work on them. Now let's say this particular vampire had been 'A' positive as a human. If they had recently fed from a human that was anything other than 'A' positive or 'O' type blood then they would die as soon as they became a mortal again. The different types of blood would work against each other. The concept would be similar to a botched up blood transfusion."

I nodded, understanding now. He arranged various carved items and powders on the table. "This won't have any effect on you, bein' a human and all."

'_That's what you think'_ I thought to myself. This was going to be interesting.

Doc pointed to the chair I had been sitting in earlier. "Sit down during this – it'll take about half an hour."

_Alice's POV_

That was the closest I have ever come to killing another vampire. Rosalie annoyed me with her arrogance and vanity, but what she had said to Bella was cruelty at its utmost. I knew Bella was best left alone when she was upset, so I let her go. I turned on Rosalie instead.

"What is with you! You had no reason to do that!"

She simply turned into the woods toward a herd of deer in the distance.

"Whatever, she'll get over it eventually. She has an eternity after all."

She tossed a smirk back at me over her shoulder, leaving me fuming. I had no appetite now. Rosalie could get home on her own. I started the car and sped back to Forks.

Images flashed before me as put the car in park. Edward driving home, his knuckles white. From the expression on his face I knew he was berating himself for leaving Bella. Good. I would show him what real berating was when he got here. After I finished with Rosalie of course. The next image was more confusing. Bella was in the kitchen of a Quileute. That was all I saw. But why would she be there? Carlisle had told her about the treaty, there had better be some explanation for that one.

I was in my room when Edward pulled up. He met me halfway down the stair. "Where is Bella?" His eyes were frantic. I rolled my eyes at him. "Gee, Edward, I don't know. She ran off when she heard that it wasn't you that had changed her. She's probably thinking that she is the reason you left, that you don't love her because she's a vampire now."

Bad move. Sarcasm didn't go over well when Edward was mad. His eyes flashed an angry black and his voice was rough. "Where is she!" He took a step forward, making me step back. _1, 2, 3, 4..._

I counted the stripes in the wallpaper to block him from my mind. We continued that way up the stairs until my back was against the wall in the hallway. His expression shifted as I stared him down. _34, 35, 36_...

Finally his shoulders sagged and his voice broke, "Please Alice, just tell me where she went. I need to see her."

"You can't. Not yet at least. She should be back soon." I placed my hand on his shaking shoulder. I hated him for causing Bella pain like this but I knew that any pain I was in, he felt ten times stronger. That was the way he loved Bella. He felt anything she went through and probably hated himself for hurting her. "She's alright, Edward."

I said that, but I wasn't certain of it. I had no idea what was going on at the reservation.

My brother sank down right there in the floor. "What have I done, Alice? Am I really so blind?" He poured out his thoughts and the conclusion he had come to while driving. "I understand now why she did that! I only made it worse by leaving. I can't imagine what she's thinking now, knowing I left her like that." He gave a rueful smile. "I still can't read her mind."

I smiled back, just a little. He didn't need a lecture; he'd given himself a pretty good one. _Rosalie however..._

Bella's POV

_Just a reminder: Bella told Doc her name was Maria_

'Doc' spent the next thirty minutes sprinkling powders and muttering strange Quileute phrases while holding the carved figurines. He stopped abruptly. "That's how it's done, Maria." I didn't feel any different. Maybe these people were crazy. I decided to not waste any more time here; I was breaking a treaty anyway. "Thank you for all the information Doc. I'll be sure to keep the ritual out of my paper."

"You do that, miss. Take care now." He followed me out the door and went back to digging in his garden. Beta werewolves my butt – he had to be smoking something.

I was almost off the reservation when I felt a sharp pain in my abdomen. I shot off as fast as I could. The pain spread as I ran, invading every inch of my body and making me gasp and gulp the air, though I no longer needed the oxygen. I collapsed about ten miles into the woods. I curled into a ball on the dead leaves, trying to shut out the agony.

The change had felt like fire. This was ice.

Alice's POV

Edward had shut himself in his room and fifties music was blaring from his speakers. I was getting up to find Jasper when I saw it. "EDWARD!" I rushed into his room and unplugged the speakers. I stood for a moment, allowing him to see my vision as it replayed in my mind. His face was a mask of horror. "Bella..." his voice trailed off. I nodded. The image of her blood covered body writhing on the ground was far too real. I raced out of the room after him. What had that Quileute done to her?


	11. Chapter 11

**I would like to say how much I admire all of the people who are able to update regularly. I don't have the attention span needed for that kind of accomplishment. **

**a.k.a.ettie: _Sorry 'bout the cliffies – I'm making this story up as I go along. I mostly use them when I have no clue what I want to put in next. So whenever you see one remember I have no idea what's going to happen either:D _**

**sesshomarusHOT:** **_your threat of a 'whoopin 'has persuaded Edward to come back :) What website were you talking about with the drawings? confused _**

**I love the reviews – thanks guys!**

_BPOV_

I could have sworn that my blood froze in my veins. The blood. 'Doc' had said that vampires that had fed off of humans died in their return to mortality. I had only killed a bear, but wouldn't that have the same effect? _"Good job, Bella."_ I barely managed to moan to myself, any movement I made was utterly draining. I had chosen this in an attempt to regain Edward's love and forgiveness. When this was over it would mean I had chosen death twice, all in order to be with him.

The fire of the change had been horrible but I had always tolerated heat better than cold. This was excruciating. It was as if someone had taken hell and tailored it just for me. The pain was made worse by my heightened senses. I could feel everything and my vampire senses made it more intense. The cold, separation from Edward, utter loneliness – it was these things I had always feared and, until now, avoided. Stabs of pain exploded on my arms, legs, and abdomen. Boils were forming on my body. I watched in horror, fighting against the screams that begged to be released from my throat. It hurt so badly! It hadn't been this painful to die! Why did it hurt so much to live again? The lethargy I had felt left my body as the boils grew larger. It seemed as though my mind, my consciousness, separated itself from my body. I still felt the burn of the cold and though it was still agonizing, it became less intense. The relief was all to short. Every time the boils brushed the ground they stung as though liquid nitrogen had been poured over the skin. I finally stood, though dizziness threatened to overtake me. The pain grew with every second; most of it was centered on the sores covering my limbs and stomach. I fell and daggers of ice shot through my body once again.

Edward. If I was truly dying I wanted my last thoughts to be of him. I wanted to be thinking of the times we had in our meadow, the way he held me at night, and how he would gently tease me, just to watch me blush. That was what I wanted to remember. Instead I thought of how angry he must be with me, to leave without telling anyone, without telling me. His eyes were likely coal black when he stepped into his car. I wanted to remember the smoldering topaz and the crooked smile I loved so much.

"Edward!" I screamed for the first time, allowing the pain and fear I felt to surface. He wasn't near, but his name still brought comfort – even in the worst of pain. I couldn't take this torture any longer. He wasn't here and I didn't want to be either. I stretched out my hand, still lying where I had fallen, and grabbed the nearest rock. The swollen areas on my body were grotesquely disturbing and they hurt. It felt as though someone had shoved handfuls of dry ice under my skin. I scraped the rock over a boil on my arm.

The icy sting doubled as blood gushed from the wound. The scent reached my nostrils quickly. That wasn't my blood!

_EPOV_

I heard her. A scream broke the silence as she called my name, fading just as quickly as it had come. Alice spun around quickly and stared at me. I knew I hadn't imagined it. "Where was she in your vision?"

"All I could see were dried leaves and a lot of trees. The background and location weren't clear." Her eyes widened and she looked at me worriedly. I heard her thoughts clearly. "She was covered in blood, Edward. Something's happened."

We took off once again, in the direction the scream had come from. Vampires were not easily wounded, unless by another vampire. Whoever did this to my Bella...

I almost ran into Alice as she stopped short. Her eyes glossed over and she sank to the ground. I waited until the vision was over. She played the images in her mind, simultaneously blocking me out as I waited. We didn't have time for this!

"Alice, what the..." She cut me off and showed me what she had seen. "But how in the world! You know that's not possible!" Bella was human? But she had been changed, I held her through the entire process! Alice was usually right but this was one of the few times I would have been willing to bet against her. She had clearly seen Bella – and me, at the house. I had been talking to Emmett while Bella was calmly eating pizza. Her eyes were brown with no trace of either red or topaz and her blush remained. I wanted to believe it. I wanted that so badly.

The change had been nothing like I had planned. I knew I would have to do it eventually in order for me to stay with her. I had thought it over and was going to ask her after her eighteenth birthday if this kind of life was something that she truly wanted forever. I hadn't been ready for it to happen so soon or in this way. I don't think she was either.

I ran ahead. I could have sworn I had caught her scent. It wasn't nearly as strong as it used to be, but it was there. There was something else though, something different, as though her scent was mixed with another. Bear.

_BPOV_

The blood wasn't mine – it belonged to the bear! The scent awoke the hunger I had shoved down while at the same time it nauseated me. The iciness lessened as the blood drained from the opening. Maybe...

I scratched at another spot and experienced the horrible sting once again. It too faded, however, and I realized the aching chills had begun to diminish as well. It was worth a try. I gritted my teeth and continued the process. My skin and clothing became soaked in blood. The smell was overpowering. I gagged and began to dry heave. It was no longer appealing or appetizing. My vision blurred as the ice cold blood in my veins began to move. My heart restarted itself in one massive lurch. I screamed again. It was far worse than when my heart had stopped. The pain increased, shooting through my chest as I tried to take a breath. I needed air. I was forced to inhale by taking short shallow breaths. My eyes watered from the pain and I didn't try to blink them back. It felt good to cry.

I tested my legs, gasping as I stood from the vertigo as well as the extra air that the effort required. Would breathing ever come easy again? I realized in looking around, all that I had given up. The world seemed black and white in comparison to the vivid color I had been able to experience before. It was as though everything was muted, sounds, sight, and touch. I stifled a sob. Had I given all that up for nothing? I had spent three days in a fiery hell only to have it taken away from me in the space of a few hours. Fear crept, surged rather, into my thoughts. Edward had left me. Rosalie would probably be happy. Where was Alice? Had she seen what was going to happen? I would die out here. I had given up eternity. I was lost in the middle of nowhere. Where had Edward gone? My breath was shaky and I tried to compensate by taking a deep breath. Bad idea. The effort – not to mention the pain – made my head swim. I began to sink into unconsciousness. As I drifted off I felt two arms around my waist. My angel.

_EPOV_

"Bella! Oh my god, Alice! What happened?" I caught Bella as she fell. She looked lifeless in my arms and was covered in blood. The situation was eerily similar to the incident in her bathroom not one week ago. Alice ran up behind me. She took Bella's hand in her own. "She's warm." I didn't realize what she was implying until I noticed the familiar rhythm I had been certain I would never hear again. Her heart.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: sorry it took so long!**

_BPOV _

The wind in my face told me we were running. The exhilaration that speed had given me as a vampire was now far gone and I had to fight to keep from getting sick.

He was back

He had come back for me and I was completely exhausted and content to lie limply in his arms. This was one time I would not protest against him carrying me. He hummed my lullaby as we ran. I had missed hearing that. I had missed him. Why had he come back? What changed his mind? We were close to home now. It was funny how I considered the Cullen's house more my home than the place I lived with Charlie. Oh my god, where was Charlie? My mind raced as I realized what I had just been through. Did Charlie even know what had been going on? How long had I been gone? Was I going to be okay?

As I tried to ask Edward I was given even more of a reason to panic. Something was wrong. My mouth would not open. Until then I had been content to rest in the darkness. It had been peaceful. Somehow the fact that I was unable to open my eyes drove away any peace that I had felt earlier. I tested my limbs one at a time as I listened to Edward speaking urgently to Carlisle over the phone.

_"She's scratched up badly. It smells like bear's blood on her clothing but the scratches are too small and shallow to be made by a bear. There's lots of blood...Yes Jasper left, Emmett too... _

_She hasn't moved or spoken at all, not even opening her eyes or moaning, nothing!_

_No, she has a heartbeat again; it's slower than it used to be, but it is definitely there. I don't know! She appears to be human in every way! Her heart beats, I can smell her blood, and her skin is warm..." He raised his voice, nearly shouting, "Carlisle, I don't know! Just get here now, please!"_

Was it my imagination or did the last part sound frantic and...afraid? I had never imagined Edward as being afraid, he was always the strong one in every way. While I was the one that couldn't even deal with myself, he had been able to handle everything easily with an assuredness I constantly envied. I heard him kneel beside the couch and he began to stroke my hair.

"Bella, I'm so sorry!" His voice was hoarse and pained. He continued in a whisper, almost as if he was speaking to himself, and I wondered if he knew I could hear him. "Alice told me what Rosalie said. It's not true. I love you, Bella, I always will. Should it matter whether or not you are human? I wanted to change you. Believe me I wanted to change you just as badly as you wanted to be changed. Maybe more. I was on my way home after I had been at your house. You made a good point with your argument. I had already planned to ask you if it was what you truly wanted. I was going to do it the very next day...but Alice met me on the porch." He sighed and was silent for several moments. "It caught me by surprise. I wanted you to be with me forever but I didn't want to happen that way. It was supposed to be planned, mutual. But it just happened. Neither of us really had a say in the matter. That was why I ran, Bella! It's not because I don't love you or because I was angry that you were now a vampire. I ran because I was...afraid, I guess. I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand why you hurt yourself that way." His lips brushed my forehead. "I understand now. I don't like it at all, but I think I understand. I promise you I will do everything in my power to any reason for you to ever harm yourself again. Any doubts, any fears...anything at all, my love, _just get well! _

A door opened and Edward scrambled to his feet. I wanted to be near him. I needed to let him know that I was okay. But I didn't even know if I was. Other than being unable to move anything at all I felt just fine. But 'Doc' had said that many vampires died when they tried to return to humanity. I hadn't had any blood from other humans but wouldn't the bear be the same principle?

Carlisle listened closely to my heart. He didn't need a stethoscope. It was quiet for several minutes as he concentrated. "Edward, her heart is weak. It is beating a great deal slower than the average human's and it's far too feeble to last much longer."

"What about changing her?"

I don't know." Carlisle answered simply. "In the past four days her body has endured a tremendous amount of trauma. She's gone from being human to vampire and back to human again. It's nothing short of a miracle that she is even with us now."

"She will live. As a human."

I hadn't even known Alice was in the room.

"Are you certain?" Edward's strained voice was cautious.

"How often am I wrong?"

I would survive. That was welcome news. I made a mental note to thank Alice when I was able to move again. The others talked amongst themselves while I wondered when I would start to recover. I continued testing my limbs, one after the other. It took nearly five minutes but I finally managed, with remarkable effort, to twitch my arm. I kept attempting to move my limbs and before long I was able to open my eyes. Carlisle, Edward, and Alice were too engrossed on their conversation to notice my glorious progress. My vision was blurry and I was only able to make out outlines and colors. Details were blurry, almost as if I was looking at them through a frosted glass.

I watched them talk. I had missed him so much.

My attempt at talking came out as a feeble moan. All three were at my side instantly, Edward nearly bowling over Alice. Their eyes were incredible. Carlisle's were intense and inquiring while Alice's shone bright with hope and eagerness. Looking at their eyes was like reading a book. I remembered hearing somewhere that the eyes are the window to the soul. Maybe I still had my gift! It certainly made sense; their feelings were so clear to me. Except for Edward. His beautiful topaz eyes were like a puzzle. They held so much emotion but I was unable to identify what kind or the source. Fair enough. As long as he couldn't read my mind I would be content with being unable to read his emotions. It wasn't as if I had been an expert at it before – I wasn't sacrificing anything.

Carlisle was taking my pulse, pulling my hand out of Edward's. My heart sputtered and started beating strongly, faster than I could remember it ever doing. I gasped as the beat became more powerful. "Edward!" My cry came out slow and slurred. He pulled me onto his lap. "It hurts!" My voice came clearer now. Carlisle was at my side, listening as my heart pounded loudly for several seconds before growing faint. "What's happening to me?"

Carlisle spoke to Edward, "We need to get her calmed down and possibly under anesthesia so I can run tests. We'll have to perform them here. Keep her still as much as possible." He left, to gather the necessary equipment from the hospital I suppose. Edward rubbed soothing circles into my shoulders but I wasn't about to relax. "Why did you leave me? And what is going on here? I don't want to be put under anything for any damn tests!" I stopped short at Edward's expression. I couldn't remember swearing in front of him before, but he looked so shocked that it was worth it. I laughed. His face remained incredulous,

"You heard that?"

"Heard what?"

"You heard what Carlisle said about the tests?"

"Yeah, so..?"

The corners of his mouth turned up slightly. "Bella, we were talking at vampire speed – there was no way you should have been able to understand us."

"Oh. Does that mean I'm still a vampire?"


	13. AN2important!

Hey everyone

I changed my pen name. (Just in case you can't tell) The story is the same – it's only the name that has changed.

And I am sorry it's taking me so long to update. I've been out of town for three weeks: I'm home today and leave again tomorrow morning.

The next chapter posted will be the last one of this story. I will not be writing a sequel, though I may go back and edit some parts out/add some in. But over-all I think I've given Bella enough problems. (ha-ha). Can't you just see the follow-up...?

Bella is also schizophrenic...

"_Edward, your not the only one that hears voices in your head."_

just kidding.

However, if there is somebody out there who really wants the story to continue you are more than welcome to write a sequel yourself. Just PM me with your idea for how you think the story should continue & if there should happen to be more than one request I will choose an author based on their idea.

xgutterflowerx


	14. Chapter 13 Part 1

Do we need to go over this again? Twilight is not mine (obviously).

Neither is Linkin Park.

Reviews will make me happy (who do they not make happy?).

Thanks for reading!

**BPOV**

The days that followed Edward's return were a blur of activity and emotional turmoil. Carlisle ran a hundred different tests in an attempt to find out exactly what I had become. The results were disappointing, at least they were to me. My looks were nearly the same. My skin was still pale and was cooler than that of the average human. The color of my eyes had changed from a rich brown to a deep mahogany. While some of my senses are heightened, namely my hearing and eyesight, I am fully human. According to Carlisle I may now be more human than ever, as far as frailty goes. My heart is not as strong as it used to be, I am just as accident prone as ever, and my reflexes are slightly slower than before. That last piece of information has made Edward and the others hover more than they ever had in the past.

There was so much I needed to think about. My memory had returned fully and the fact that this whole ordeal had been caused by my inability to control myself bothered me. I had had this problem for a while and had never bothered to confront it and try to stop. Hurting myself was a way I had found helped me to deal with emotional stress and pain. I knew it was wrong but had always shoved the issue under the rug. I couldn't do that any more.

I had hardly spoken in two days. I know it hurt them, Edward and Alice especially. It was difficult to be near to them, to be constantly reminded of how close I had come to finally achieving what I had begged Edward for, and that I had given it up on my own free will. None of the Cullens understood. Not one of them had chosen to become a vampire. I had. I knew that if I were given the chance the decision would not be a difficult one. I would go through the awful pain and the searing fire, I would choose to live as a vampire for eternity. For him. Edward knew it as well as I did. And the knowledge tortured him.

**EPOV**

Bella's body was not the only thing that had been affected by her changes, her mood was quite altered as well. She had always been somewhat of a paradox. Wise but innocent, breakable yet unshakable. She was unpredictable and somehow still dependable. But she was quieter now, much more solemn. It was a rare thing to see her smile reach her eyes when Alice spoke to her, Emmett joked around, or when I held her. Jasper would give me no clue as to what she was feeling, nor would he attempt to lighten her mood; he simply stated that it was none of his business this time. I felt hopeless. It was as though a part of her was gone. I wanted it back.

**BPOV**

I knew I was driving him crazy. I could tell. He was confused by my attitude, my moodiness. I wanted to tell him my reasoning behind the distance I maintained, but if I did I was certain my resolve would crumble. I hated to see the hurt in his eyes. In the course of one week I had endured the transformations form human to vampire and back to human. I needed time to think things over. I knew now who Charlie was and was able to remember details of my past. It served only to make me more unsure of myself. I could not continue living like this, doubting Edward and questioning the things I once had no problem doing. My world had been turned upside down...or maybe, just maybe it was now right side up. Despite my confusion I knew I had to do two things.

1) I could not continue like I had for so long, hiding what I felt and punishing myself for things that were beyond my control.

2) I needed him to change me.

It was crazy and I knew it. There was no way any sane person would volunteer to go through that much pain again. But I had done it once. I had been to hell and back for Edward. I needed to know if my sacrifice had been worth it...if I was worth it.

**EPOV**

I had gone out hunting. I was gone for a few hours, only to the park. She was gone when I returned. No one would tell me anything and when i delved into their thoughts I discovered they knew no more than I. Was this how she had felt, waking up to no one? I stood outside the house, frozen, waiting for a breeze. There it was. Her scent wafted in and I followed. I ran at least two miles before I saw her. Bella leaned against a small rock at the top of a hill. A passerby would have missed her completely, she was nearly hidden by shadows.

"Bella?" I was hesitant to call out to her. We had barely spoken during the past few days. It was torture to be so near to her and to feel so distant.

She did not look up. As I walked forward i realized she was listening to music. Her back rested against the rock as she mouthed the words, eyes closed. I sat and watched, content for the moment to just be near to her. After a moment I was able to recognize the artist. I smiled to myself; it was Linkin Park, her 'angry' music.

Talking to her right now would be useless so I sat by her side and waited. Her hair was down, shielding her face from my view. It was a fruitless attempt to hide her tears and she knew it. Sniffling quietly she switched tracks and turned up the volume. For a moment I thought she was trying to block me out – until I heard the song. She mouthed most of the words as they played and softly sang the others, letting the lyrics speak for her, telling me know how she felt.

**When this began I had nothing to say **

**And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me**

**(Nothing to lose) **

**Just stuck, hollow and alone**

**And the fault is my own and the fault is my own**

**I want to heal I want to feel **

**What I thought was never real**

**I want to let go of the pain I've held so long**

**(Erase all the pain till it's gone)**

**I want to heal I want to feel **

**Like I'm close to something real**

**I want to find something I've wanted all along**

**Somewhere I belong**

**And I've got nothing to say **

**I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face**

**What do I have but negativity**

**Cause I can't justify the way everyone is looking at me**

**(Nothing to lose)**

**Nothing to gain, hollow and alone**

**And the fault is my own and the fault is my own **

She was as confused as I was. She felt like what had happened was her fault; I felt as though it were mine.

**BPOV**

I hated that I was even allowing myself to cry. I knew that I could not trust my voice right now so I did the only other thing I could think of. "Somewhere I Belong" had become 'my song' several months back; it would serve to speak for me now. Edward grew stiff as the song played. I didn't blame him. The last time I had mentioned any thing along these lines it ended with an argument and me unconscious, bleeding. As the song ended he shifted closer to me. Despite myself I turned my head to look at Edward. As his eyes met mine I voiced the burning request, pleading for my own death as I had so many times before.

"Why not? Tell me why not."

He leaned towards me so slowly it was painful. I struggled to hold his gaze as his topaz eyes smoldered and darkened. His face was inches from mine as our eyes remained locked. It was the first time I had ever been able to return his stare and I knew he noticed. We stayed in that position for what seemed like hours. He hovered over me, balancing on one hand while I leaned back against the rock. He exhaled slowly and my heart gave me away as it began to sputter erratically. He drew back instantly, mindful of my now weak heart, but not before he changed tracks. I sighed. It was his turn.

**It's easier to run**

**Replacing this pain with something numb**

**It's so much easier to go **

**Than face all this pain here all alone**

**Something has been taken **

**From deep inside of me**

**A secret I've kept locked away**

**No one can ever see**

**Wounds so deep they never show**

**They never go away**

**Like moving pictures in my head **

**For years and years they've played**

**If I could change I would**

**Take back the pain I would**

**Retrace every wrong move that I've made I would**

**If I could stand up and take the blame I would**

**If I could take all my shame to the grave I would**

**Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past**

**Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have**

**Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back**

**And never moving forward so there would never be a past **

**It's so much easier to go **

**If I could change I would**

**Take back the pain I would**

**Retrace every wrong move that I made I would**

**If I could stand up and take the blame I would **

**I would take all my shame to the grave**

I stopped the song.

"You're not the only one who hurts, Bella. You aren't the only one who has regrets. Think about that."

_A/N: This is the first part of the last chapter. The last post will be up as soon as I have it finished. Since school has started for me I cannot make any promises as to when the next part will be posted so please don't ask:) However, reviews may motivate me to work harder on it. hint hint..._

_I'm sorry if you hated the parts with the lyrics – I usually hate it when people do that but they just seemed to fit for that portion. Before Linkin Park fans get mad at me for cutting the songs short or 'editing' lines out let me explain myself. Lyrics take up a lot of room that could be used for the story line. With this in mind I left out irrelevant parts of the songs so that 1) they would be more effective and 2) they don't use up as much space. _

_Places where lyrics have been removed have little (...) to signify that. _

_ETC ETC ... rolls eyes _


	15. Chapter 13 Part 2

**BPOV**

_"You're not the only one with regrets, Bella. Think about that."_

With that statement he stood up to leave. He was out of sight in merely seconds but somehow I knew he was watching from the shadows. He was too protective to leave me alone. I sighed and made my way to my truck.

I slept at home that night. Edward was there as usual but instead of holding me as he had in the past, he sat in my rocking chair. I fell into a fitful sleep as he absentmindedly hummed my lullaby.

It was still dark when I awoke. Edward was gone.

"Not again!" My heart pounded as fear rose in my chest. He had left me again.

"Yes, again." A figure stepped out from the shadows and spoke.

Rosalie.

"What are you do-" She silenced me with a cold stare. "He is gone now and he will be gone everyday. Everyday, for the rest of your _human_ life." She emphasized the word human as if to taunt me. "He will never come back and you will always be alone. You know as well as I do that you will never be able to love another man the way that you love Edward. Every time you look into someone else's eyes you will see his face. He will forever be in your heart and mind. You know this." Tears of anger and of sorrow began to fill my eyes; she was right.

"How does that sound, Bella? I hope you like the idea because that is how it is going to be unless..." Her voice trailed off, inviting me to question her.

"Unless what?" The tears now trailing down my cheeks belied the challenge in my voice. What was she even doing here? Where was Edward? He had told me he would not leave me again. Though I was lying on the couch, unable to respond, I had heard him. He promised.

Rosalie whipped her head around and faced me; her eyes were dangerously black. "Unless you fix whatever has gone wrong between you and Edward. If you truly love him then you will work to fix whatever shit you started. He is more than willing, Bella. It is you that continues to shut him out – you are the one keeping secrets – not him. People have fights, Bella, couples break up, that's just life. But when you love someone you work through that. That's what love is."

Her voice turned to a fierce whisper and her obsidian eyes flashed. "If you don't do something then you could damage this relationship beyond repair. You have one shot to make this work. Use it." She moved toward the window and then turned, as if she'd had a second thought. "By the way, I'm doing this for Edward's sake, so don't even bother ever bringing it up." With that, she was gone as swiftly and silently as she had come.

I sat up the rest of the night. It was so confusing to me. I thought Rosalie hated me. She had been hostile to me from the very beginning. It was Rosalie that had told me the truth about my transformation while we were in the forest. She had not even tried to soften the blow, rather, she seemed to enjoy the cruelty in which the news was delivered. Now, thanks to her midnight speech, I knew what it was I had to do.

**EPOV**

She tossed and turned incessantly, murmuring detached phrases. She sighed and suddenly her speech became more clear. "Sorry. I'm so sorry. Edward." She moaned softly, clutching the comforter to her chest. I knew I could not afford to lose her, no matter what, even if that meant changing her. Bella's heart was still unstable and beat almost imperceptibly while she slept. I would take no chances. Rosalie agreed to come and make sure she was alright. It was strange for her to consent to anything involving a close proximity with Bella, but I wasn't going to question the favor. I had an errand to run.

**BPOV**

I went to the Cullens when the sun finally decided to make an appearance. Edward wasn't there but it didn't bother me, it just made my job easier. I hadn't told Alice or anyone else what I was doing. There was no way Edward would be able to find out from anyone's thoughts. This was my surprise.

I left notes in his room on his stereo, directing him to his closet, where I had laid out clothes for him. It was fun for me to be the one dressing him up rather than vice versa. He looked especially good in black, though he rarely wore it. I left several other notes from there, directing him to various locations around his house, just for fun. I had no idea when he would be home; I could only hope it would not be too late for me to surprise him. Emmett and Jasper left me to my business once they discovered that, for once, no amount of pestering could make me reveal my secret. I was finishing up at their house when Alice bounded to my side, a mischievous gleam in her eyes.

"I'm guessing you saw it?"

She squealed excitedly, "Bella, it's perfect! Don't worry, I won't let it slip." She tapped her head meaningfully. "I do get to do something though." She stuck out her jaw defiantly as a grin tugged at her lips. There was no getting around this one.

"Fine. As long as I get to at least have a say in the outfit."

"Deal!"

An hour later I was dressed in designer jeans and a form fitting Henley sweater in just the right shade of blue. Alice had added accessories to dress up the ensemble. An oversized gold belt was slung around my waist, matching the bangles that clinked musically on my wrists. Simple gold earrings and metallic gold ballet flats made the outfit look like it had popped off of a magazine cover. Alice insisted on makeup but I made her keep it light and simple. I did my hair myself, pulling it into a loose, but sleek ponytail. Alice was incorrigible, however and I finally allowed her to add some accent braids to hide the ponytail elastic. Everything was set.

He was to meet me at a diner-of-sorts in Seattle. I had made reservations at the dinner/dance place. I had been there once before and thought it very eclectic. It was a casual, little known place with some of the best food around. Though I would be the only one eating, I knew Edward would enjoy the dancing. I always put up quite a good fight when he had asked me to dance with him in the past. This would be so different from most of our dates. I was planning, I was paying. It was satisfying. For once I felt like I was giving something back to him. I had arrived early. I knew once he found my notes he would be alarmed that I had gone to Seattle, taken a bus no less, by myself. He would compensate for his worry with speed.

I was checking my purse so be sure I still had the tickets for our after-dinner outing when the door banged open, causing several heads to turn. I didn't even have to look up to know that Edward had arrived. I met his gaze with a grin, he was wearing the clothes I had picked out. He rolled his eyes when he saw me.

"Like black much?" he asked.

"Only on you."

We talked about nothing for several minutes while I waited on my food. I had chosen my meal and paid in advance so Edward would not be able to pay even if he wanted to. He watched me as I ate. His topaz eyes burned with something I had never seen before, something that, though I was afraid to ask about, I knew I liked. I swallowed the last of my water. It was now or never.

"Let's dance."

Edward took my hand before I could say a word and led me onto the floor. We were both silent for a while. I watched the couples we passed. They were almost all over fifty. Despite my best efforts my thoughts wandered to Edward and his immortality. The knowledge that he would never age had caused me to dread my looming eighteenth birthday. To most people, birthdays were something to look forward to, to be happy about. From now on, I would see them as something to be feared, for every birthday I experienced would be one step further away from Edward and the possibility of an eternity with him.

"Something is bothering you."

It was a statement not a question. Rather than tell him exactly what I had been thinking about I plunged into the reason for our date. I rambled on, telling him everything that had happened the past week, even delving into the painful events leading up to it; all the while he never took his eyes off of mine. When I finally stopped to take a deep breath, I noticed a small smile playing on his lips.

"Are you even listening to me?"

"Of course!" He must have been able to sense my irritation because he grazed his lips along my cheek, making his way to my mouth.

"I know what went on Bella, you are already forgiven." His eyes met mine, warm and reassuring.

"Let's go talk." He led the way outside. "Bella, you don't have to explain yourself to me. Please know that. But I don't want you to feel like you have to hide this from me either. I love you and that is not based on what you have done, it's because of who you are." He sat down on a stone bench, pulling me onto his lap. He wrapped his arms around my waist as I leaned against his shoulder.

"Before all of this happened, I was seriously considering changing you. I had come to realize that what you had told me so many times before was true. By trying to protect you, by refusing to change you I was condemning you. We would never be happy apart from one another. And I, being the selfish creature that I am, do not like to be unhappy." I grinned at the matter of fact way he said this and I could hear the smile in his voice as well.

"And then there was so much chaos that went on, you were turned, I left, I came back and you were human again and completely unconscious. Then things got a little tense and I wasn't sure what to do." He turned me around so that I faced him.

"You still talk in your sleep." I could feel the blush rising in my cheeks.

"What did I say?" I was dreading his answer. Sleep talking is embarrassing at its best.

He answered nonchalantly.

"Just something that made me realize what I would have to do in order to get what I truly wanted." He smirked, "Don't worry it wasn't anything humiliating."

"Just great," I mumbled, "But there are so many other horrible things it could have been."

Edward stopped my grumbling, taking my face gently in his hands.

"Bella, I love you. Do you still want to be like me, a vampire?"

I had expected something along the lines of, 'Do you want to give our relationship another shot?' This was so much more than I could have asked for.

I leaned in to kiss him, "Stupid question." I murmured.

Before I realized what was happening he picked me up, my legs still wrapped tightly around his waist, and carried me to his car.

He broke off the kiss, opened the door and set me gently inside. He was in the driver's seat before I could buckle my seat belt. "We are going to plan it this time, ok?" He raised his eyebrows at me. "Fine with me," I said sighing, "I'm all out of spontaneous surprises." He grinned and took my hand. Tonight was lovely by the way. Thank you." He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye. "We need to go dancing more often."

I rested my head against his shoulder. "We have plenty of time."

**** **_The Next Day_** ****

I sat at the kitchen table, pushing my breakfast around with my fork. Edward and I had decided to wait until summer to change me again. I would go on a two month 'vacation' with his family so I could get used to my new abilities away from the confines of Forks. I had slept soundly last night, in the arms of my angel. He had left to discuss thing with Carlisle and Esme. The slam of a door made me drop my plate in the sink, causing it to shatter.

"Hey Bells! Did I scare you?"

"Hi Char-er-Dad! I forgot you were coming home today. How was your trip?"

"It was alright, glad to be home though. How were things around here? Anything exciting happen?

I smiled to myself at the question. "Nothing much. You didn't miss a thing, it was pretty boring actually. I'm going to go upstairs – my room's a mess. Call me if you need anything!" I laughed a little at his familiar response,

"I took care of myself for seventeen years, Bella. You go on ahead."

Edward met me in my room. "Nothing much' and 'It was pretty boring actually?" He shook his head. "That was how you described this past week. "You, my love, are incredible." I flopped down beside him on the bed.

"I love you. And after this summer..."

He continued my sentence, "We will be together."

"Forever." I finished. His lips met mine in agreement and I knew then that it really would be forever.

"Hey, Edward,"

"Hmm?" He traced my jawbone with his lips, breathing softly on my cheek.

"I can't wait."

_A/N: That's it! Just because the story is through doesn't mean you can't review. Please let me know what you think of this chapter as well as the story as a whole. It's my first attempt so constructive criticism is appreciated as well. Thank you t all those who have reviewed – it really kept me going! _


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